Graduate
Wow. I'm officially done with school. It's amazing to think I've spent the last 4.3 years of my life earning a degree. My, how fast life goes when you're having fun. The common question I've run into lately is: "So what's next?" or "How are you doing?" ...and to both questions my answers are fuzzy. I don't know how I feel coming back home to Kansas City. It's good. I'm around family and old friends and in a city that I know and love. But the more I sit here the more I realize I'm not too familiar with KC anymore, and my friends aren't quite as familiar either.
The comfort level I've attained in Athens is not present here in KC. I truly miss my friends, my city and the ministry God blessed me with. I miss discipleship time with Becky. I miss Pita Pit, Courtside and the Donkey. I miss all the one way streets and pranks! I miss the hills and the occasional thrill of finding a new "hole in the wall" resturant. I miss Calvin and the little nugget, Titus. I miss the Front room and walking through College Green to go to class in Ellis. I miss seeing the Convo and seeing my name over my locker in the locker room.
All these things I miss. Athens became a place where I had a 'family' and established a 'home'. It was perfect.
But, now I must look on into the future. Wow. That's a big thing to look at. Before I left school I thought I had a good idea of some firm plans or at least something to focus around. STINT was becoming a growing possibility in my life and I was starting to develop an excitement and passion for giving the Lord 1 year of my life after school to serve Him. It wasn't a done deal but I was open to having the Lord lead me there. And I still am. But as soon as I got home the overwhelming sense of "I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE" sunk in and the firm ground soon washed away and I was floating. I was treading water at the surface of an abyss.
I'm slowly regaining my focus. For about 5 days I had a tough time dealing with all the noise of expectation, pressure and performancing chattering in my ears. I got an ear ache last night and decided I needed to regain that solid ground in the Lord. I was reading through the workbook, Experiencing God, and was challenged with Scripture. "Love your God with all of your heart with all of your soul with all of your mind and with all of your strength. In my current situation of change and transition currently loving God and trusting Him with ALL OF MY HEART? My answer was no. What happened to that love where nothing seemed too insurmountable or deep to traverse? What happened to my focus being on the One that truly matters? In a time where I need the focus the most, I lost it. But I suppose that's my human nature. I think God is smiling at me and loving on me through this situation and point in my life. I think He's enjoying me challenging Him to wrestle and to step into the ring (or vice versa!).
So where does this leave me? Well, I'm still no closer to figuring out my life and I don't expect to figure it out in the next 10 minutes, 2 days or 5 years. It's so not in my control, nor do I want it to be. If it were imaginable or in my control then it wouldn't be as amazing as I know it could be. What do I mean by that?...Well, I want to devote my life to something greater than anything I could think of, rather; I want to devote my life to something that God blesses me with. Because God can bless me with something better than anything I could think of or imagine. And I'm realizing that some people see the truth in this and some people don't. Some people don't understand the importance of something greater than a secure job with benefits and pension. Some people just see the function and not the need or purpose behind it.
I believe I will be provided for and I believe God to be greater than my need. I may not be able to explain this to some important people and it may be difficult to deal with if they don't understand. I can see the tough time ahead. Please pray as I stand with my hands open waiting for God to lead me in the direction He wants me to go.
The comfort level I've attained in Athens is not present here in KC. I truly miss my friends, my city and the ministry God blessed me with. I miss discipleship time with Becky. I miss Pita Pit, Courtside and the Donkey. I miss all the one way streets and pranks! I miss the hills and the occasional thrill of finding a new "hole in the wall" resturant. I miss Calvin and the little nugget, Titus. I miss the Front room and walking through College Green to go to class in Ellis. I miss seeing the Convo and seeing my name over my locker in the locker room.
All these things I miss. Athens became a place where I had a 'family' and established a 'home'. It was perfect.
But, now I must look on into the future. Wow. That's a big thing to look at. Before I left school I thought I had a good idea of some firm plans or at least something to focus around. STINT was becoming a growing possibility in my life and I was starting to develop an excitement and passion for giving the Lord 1 year of my life after school to serve Him. It wasn't a done deal but I was open to having the Lord lead me there. And I still am. But as soon as I got home the overwhelming sense of "I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE" sunk in and the firm ground soon washed away and I was floating. I was treading water at the surface of an abyss.
I'm slowly regaining my focus. For about 5 days I had a tough time dealing with all the noise of expectation, pressure and performancing chattering in my ears. I got an ear ache last night and decided I needed to regain that solid ground in the Lord. I was reading through the workbook, Experiencing God, and was challenged with Scripture. "Love your God with all of your heart with all of your soul with all of your mind and with all of your strength. In my current situation of change and transition currently loving God and trusting Him with ALL OF MY HEART? My answer was no. What happened to that love where nothing seemed too insurmountable or deep to traverse? What happened to my focus being on the One that truly matters? In a time where I need the focus the most, I lost it. But I suppose that's my human nature. I think God is smiling at me and loving on me through this situation and point in my life. I think He's enjoying me challenging Him to wrestle and to step into the ring (or vice versa!).
So where does this leave me? Well, I'm still no closer to figuring out my life and I don't expect to figure it out in the next 10 minutes, 2 days or 5 years. It's so not in my control, nor do I want it to be. If it were imaginable or in my control then it wouldn't be as amazing as I know it could be. What do I mean by that?...Well, I want to devote my life to something greater than anything I could think of, rather; I want to devote my life to something that God blesses me with. Because God can bless me with something better than anything I could think of or imagine. And I'm realizing that some people see the truth in this and some people don't. Some people don't understand the importance of something greater than a secure job with benefits and pension. Some people just see the function and not the need or purpose behind it.
I believe I will be provided for and I believe God to be greater than my need. I may not be able to explain this to some important people and it may be difficult to deal with if they don't understand. I can see the tough time ahead. Please pray as I stand with my hands open waiting for God to lead me in the direction He wants me to go.
posted by a.rod at 9:55 PM
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