2005 Athens Halloween ...

As I sit here in my room after a long night out on the town, I can hear a band of drunk pirates singing, "Yo ho," as they pass by my house. Yes, it's that time of year again. It's Ohio University's annual Halloween bash. If you didn't know that OU is currently the 2nd party school in the nation, then surely you've heard about our Halloween. It's legendary ...or some people say. Personally, I'm not into Halloween. Sure, I participate - but really as I look around at all the drunken madness, it makes me really sad. I feel as though Halloween has so many expectations of being "amazing" but really I feel a lot of people are left disappointed. Empty. At least that's what I feel when I see people on Court Street. I saw a guy, too drunk to understand that he was in trouble, get pushed down head first into a brick wall. I thought he was dead. Amazingly enough, and by God's grace, that guy was able to stand up after being knocked unconscious. That to me isn't my idea of fun. So, it's offical: tonight was my last Athen's Halloween.

In other news, I'm feeling rather stirred up lately. A lot is happening or has happened where I don't feel quite right. First, soccer is over and I'm thrust into the mental mindset that I'm "out" or "done". That's crazy. I've spend 4 solid years sweating, working and giving my all into something and now it's over. It really goes to show that nothing is forever. That this world isn't the end-all-be-all.

In fact, I'm finding this running theme in many aspects of my life. Friendship for one: I'm realizing that no matter how close friends can become, ultimately, things can happen to show you that it's not perfect and that it's not permanent. This has been the worst thing of all to try and cope with and I feel as though I'm making myself miserable because of it. My heart is unsettled beyond belief to the point that it's hard to function. And that, raises a red flag in my life. Between the sin of others and my own sin, life can be really rattling. It keeps you busy with things to process, analyze and just plain worry about. Am I worrying? You betcha. I can't let go of a friendship that was brought together and nurtured by God. But at the same time, I can't be around what's going on. What to do?...I don't know because I'm not the one who can "fix" anything. It's not me. All I can control is my action and my emotions (how I choose to deal with things) - truthfully, it's easier said that done, my friends. I don't even know what to do. I feel like things will never be the same and that makes me so overwhelmed with sorrow. I'm truely sad.

But the thing that strikes me as ironic, is that in the mess of this quarter - with soccer and basically my life - God has blessed me in another area: relationships. The thing I fear the most is that I'm going to let my emotions and feelings towards everything else in my life determine my emotions and feelings in this. It's so hard to have so much crud with so much good. And it's even more hard to compartmentalize the two. My natural tendency is to run away and to shell up. To take my life and put it on hold until things subside. But I know I can't do that. I know that isn't God's plan. God has been so good up to now - exceptionally good last year - and I guess I was expecting a hard year this year, but it's constantly a struggle to see the good when things are not so.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired. I'm tired with this quarter. With soccer. With friendships. With worrying. With hurting. With my heart and mind consumed. With everything. Does that mean I'm going to give up?...by no means. I'm just having a tough time putting on the "Amy Elrod" smile and letting everyone know that things are peachy, when they're not.

I just needed to write. And I know that most don't read this ...but in the off chance that you are. I'm not asking for pity or for any consolling, what I could use is some prayer. Prayer to sort things out and to turn to God who is so eternal and unchanging unlike everything else in my life. Thanks and much appreciated.