2005 Athens Halloween ...

As I sit here in my room after a long night out on the town, I can hear a band of drunk pirates singing, "Yo ho," as they pass by my house. Yes, it's that time of year again. It's Ohio University's annual Halloween bash. If you didn't know that OU is currently the 2nd party school in the nation, then surely you've heard about our Halloween. It's legendary ...or some people say. Personally, I'm not into Halloween. Sure, I participate - but really as I look around at all the drunken madness, it makes me really sad. I feel as though Halloween has so many expectations of being "amazing" but really I feel a lot of people are left disappointed. Empty. At least that's what I feel when I see people on Court Street. I saw a guy, too drunk to understand that he was in trouble, get pushed down head first into a brick wall. I thought he was dead. Amazingly enough, and by God's grace, that guy was able to stand up after being knocked unconscious. That to me isn't my idea of fun. So, it's offical: tonight was my last Athen's Halloween.

In other news, I'm feeling rather stirred up lately. A lot is happening or has happened where I don't feel quite right. First, soccer is over and I'm thrust into the mental mindset that I'm "out" or "done". That's crazy. I've spend 4 solid years sweating, working and giving my all into something and now it's over. It really goes to show that nothing is forever. That this world isn't the end-all-be-all.

In fact, I'm finding this running theme in many aspects of my life. Friendship for one: I'm realizing that no matter how close friends can become, ultimately, things can happen to show you that it's not perfect and that it's not permanent. This has been the worst thing of all to try and cope with and I feel as though I'm making myself miserable because of it. My heart is unsettled beyond belief to the point that it's hard to function. And that, raises a red flag in my life. Between the sin of others and my own sin, life can be really rattling. It keeps you busy with things to process, analyze and just plain worry about. Am I worrying? You betcha. I can't let go of a friendship that was brought together and nurtured by God. But at the same time, I can't be around what's going on. What to do?...I don't know because I'm not the one who can "fix" anything. It's not me. All I can control is my action and my emotions (how I choose to deal with things) - truthfully, it's easier said that done, my friends. I don't even know what to do. I feel like things will never be the same and that makes me so overwhelmed with sorrow. I'm truely sad.

But the thing that strikes me as ironic, is that in the mess of this quarter - with soccer and basically my life - God has blessed me in another area: relationships. The thing I fear the most is that I'm going to let my emotions and feelings towards everything else in my life determine my emotions and feelings in this. It's so hard to have so much crud with so much good. And it's even more hard to compartmentalize the two. My natural tendency is to run away and to shell up. To take my life and put it on hold until things subside. But I know I can't do that. I know that isn't God's plan. God has been so good up to now - exceptionally good last year - and I guess I was expecting a hard year this year, but it's constantly a struggle to see the good when things are not so.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired. I'm tired with this quarter. With soccer. With friendships. With worrying. With hurting. With my heart and mind consumed. With everything. Does that mean I'm going to give up?...by no means. I'm just having a tough time putting on the "Amy Elrod" smile and letting everyone know that things are peachy, when they're not.

I just needed to write. And I know that most don't read this ...but in the off chance that you are. I'm not asking for pity or for any consolling, what I could use is some prayer. Prayer to sort things out and to turn to God who is so eternal and unchanging unlike everything else in my life. Thanks and much appreciated.

One Simple Day

It's chilly outside and I'm in the midst of the Fall quarter with term papers looming over my head and the realization that a major part of my life will soon be over. Yes, I'm talking about transition. The transition from college student-athlete to college student. I would be lying if I told you that I haven't given this issue a lot of thought and consideration. To be quite honest, I'm rather excited to move on to the next phase of my life. But at the same time I'm terribly scared because who knows what that next phase looks like. Right now, my life is well structure to where I know what lies in front of me and what my day is going to look like. But with the possibility of that being completely erased and an excited unstructured future ahead of me, I'm somewhat rattled. At the same time, I will miss this chapter in my book of life. Soccer has been amazing and I've learned and grown so much because of it. I know for a fact that my time on the team did not go to waste, but rather it was purposeful and I was suppose to play and meet the people I encountered: my teammates and coaches. So it's a bittersweet and sad transition from a life I'm used to to a life untouched.
In other news. I'm enjoying this fine, crisp Monday. It's rather cold outside and I love the fact that I pulled my "relaxed and big" jeans to dress for the occasion. I sometimes get tired of wearing clothes that fit. Sometimes I just want that extra space in the cushion. Besides, the jeans make me feel like a real skater. That's right, a "Tony Hawk" type skater. I think I walk differently in them, too. A swagger to my step. Hmm.
Also, I'm starting to kick into procrastination mode. I have A LOT to do in the next 3 weeks before Thanksgiving break and most of it entails writing extremely long papers. If that weren't the case then why would I be updating this thing in the first place?
Also, speaking of winter break. I'm sooo excited to make my 12hr drive home to Missouri. Truthfully, I love the long, grey-skied trip home. I could even say that I lose sleep the night before due to "pre-driving" jitters. You may think I'm kidding ...but I am not.
Other than that. I'm sure I have tons more to say, but I don't really feel like it. So, I'm going to leave this library computer and go sit under the fake palm tree on the 4th floor of Alden and read my Anthropology of Religion book on an African tribe in Northern Sudan who practice spirit-possession. Yes, that's correct. Spirit possession.